Saturday, April 21, 2007

Remembering

The day is nearly over, and I've just about made it through. Thank you so much for all the ecards, emails and thoughts/prayers/vibes that I know have been sent our way this week, and today. Its amazing how strong these "cyber" bonds can be.

For those that don't know, this blog entry from a year ago will set the background.

We'd been up most of the night; William and then Joshua going down with the stomach virus that my Mum had a few days ago. Roarke was brilliant - I don't know how I'd survive without him. He sat up with William, rubbing his back when he was sick, with him snuggled into our bed, then he took a chair and sat by Will's bed until he fell asleep, so that he felt safe with his Dad there.

He got up every time for Joshua and cleared up where necessary. Despite feeling quite unwell himself.

He's been an absolute rock for me, understanding my violent emotional moods this week, and taking the boys off my hands at least once a day for as long as possible. Yesterday, he went with the HE group to Poverest Park for some 2-2 /2 hrs so that I could rest.

Late morning, we took the boys over to the Garden of Rememberance at the Crematorium. They asked to be shown where we'd "put" Grandad, so we showed them the rose bushes. William didn't really take it in, but he did say afterwards what a lovely place it was, and how Grandad must like the pretty pink blossoms :0)

Samuel appeared at first not to be bothered - but its very much the aspie way, as he is able to look at things separately from his emotions - which I envy him for. When we came away, after they'd been playing around the gardens and looking at the fish in the pond, he broke away from us and walked over to the flower bed where his Grandad's ashes were buried, and stood with his head down, obviously saying his own thing to his Grandad. Then came back for a fierce hug with his Dad.

Joshua, always the most emotive, struggled today, but interestingly doesn't seem to connect the Garden with his Grandad - I guess he truly understands he isn't "there" in any sense - and was more concerned with how I felt. He's also been feeling ill still today and didn't really recover his spirits, and any appetite, until about 4pm.

As for me, I found it both soothing and appallingly painful. He might not be there - but then neither are the people "there" on Rememberance Sunday, but I still observe, and still remember. I just find the hole he's left behind so big.

As I said when he died, I'd rather have these million and one (at the moment) painful memories, than have had a childhood/life without such a loving father.

In the afternoon, I tried to rest, as I'm feeling quite sick too now. My feet are HUGE too.

Late afternoon, I went over with Mum and my Brother to the gardens again. We took a small posy of flowers from our garden - including Dad's wisteria which has flowered this year for the first time ever :0(

My brother came here then for a meal, as his wife and my cousin are visiting her family in Hungary at the moment (he flies out to join them during the week) and we made him up a gf batter so that he could have fish and chips; one thing he really misses as a coeliac. Roarke had also made some blueberry muffins from one of the recipe books I'd got for my birthday, and Samuel made some of his famous gf shortbread.

I've eaten some dinner, but already regretting it... :0(

So, not much "formal" learning today - but a day full of "real life".

3 comments:

Emma said...

Sending you much love Ann on such a hard day for you.x

IndigoShirl said...

He's sending his love to you in his Wisteria - especially because it has never flowered before. He knew it would be noticed.

Shirl -x-

Elle at Ellesfuntimes said...

Must have been an emotional day for you. Thinking of you all. Elle