Thursday, April 19, 2007

Birthdays and Meltdowns

Another birthday out the way.. and it didn't rain! Standing joke that it always seems to rain on my birthday... sound like a cross between Eeyore and Marvin the Paranoid Android, don't I?!

The boys gave me a nice card, and a picture frame for one of the limited editions I brought back from Israel in 1988, and have never got around to framing. Roarke bought me a cd - revealing FAR too much of myself here by telling you it was this one.

My brother got me The Everyday Wheat-free and Gluten-free Cookbook, The Gluten-free Cookbook (Cookery), and Easy Wheat, Egg and Milk Free Cooking (Recipes for Health). To balance those, he got me a Kathy Reichs, a James Patterson and a Patricia Cornwall

A lovely friend, Laura, took the boys for us - to play with her twins - whilst we went out. We went first for lunch at Oad Street, which I haven't been to for ages. After lunch, and some window shopping, we went out for a bit of a drive. We parked up somewhere scenic and sat reading (sad, isn't it!), which was lovely and peaceful.

We then came back via the Sainsbury's at Larkfield, for a quick cream tea, and to get some nice bits in for the boys for dinner.

Laura coped admirably with the boys for the 4 hours or so that she had them - so much that they didn't want to leave!

Sadly, the day didn't end very well; my Mum went down with the stomache virus that my Brother, and his son had last week, and was very very ill from early evening onwards. I sat up with her till about 12.30am by which time she was finally able to risk going to bed. I still woke every 1 1/2 hr through the night! This morning I disinfected the bathroom and toilet, and just hope that none of us pick this up; definately not what I need at the moment.

Mum is feeling understandably very weak today, so I am trying to keep the house as quiet and calm as possible. Huh - so Samuel goes and has an almightly big meltdown, which has left me feeling very drained and sad. With the logic of an aspie that you just can't argue with, he said "I hate myself, I just do - so end of story, ok?" and when I said it wasn't ok said "well its my life, and I can chose to hate myself if I want; its nothing to do with you".

I am finding his struggle to come to terms, and grasp understanding of who he is, very very painful to watch. I felt today that I did all the wrong things; trying to talk to him instead of letting him get it out, trying to hold him instead of letting him go - all the things I've learnt over the past two years not to do, I did. Result is I feel very sad for him, and very angry at myself. I know that is largely down to my lack of perspective this week, but that doesn't help!

He, fortunately, has snapped straight out of it. I'm the one left with the emotional hang over now :0(


Anonymous said...

I have 2 aspies and meltdowns are sooo draining :0(

Glad you had a nice Birthday :0)

Emma said...

I've been thinking of you this week Ann and glad that you had a nice birthday. Did you manage to eat a gf lunch? I'm so wary of eating out.
Love the pressies from your brother. Hopefully you'll find some lovely new recipes in the books to keep you going for a while.

Anonymous said...

well, of course he IS "allowed" to hate himself, but that doesn't make it a sensible choice. is he checking back with himself on a minute by minute basis am i still hating myself do i hate myself more or less than the last time i monitored myself. of course this is the kind of homework they give you in cognitive behavioural therapy. ( in my dodgy psychiatrist's CBT for dummies everything was on a scale of nought to five rating "mastery" and "pleasure" ...i used to weep at him that NOUGHT WAS TOO HIGH and i also genuinely couldn't and still can't see any difference between "mastery" and "pleasure". does samuel hate himself because he feels himself to be incompetent ? and am i making a mountain out of a molehill ?

love, fiona