Birthdays and Sunshine

Crikey I didn't realise it had been so long since I blogged!

What have we been up to?


We had my niece's 1st birthday party at my brother's house (she's the little girl in pink watching whilst everyone else plays with her new toys!).

Everyone dressed up for the occasion and, ironically, Roarke, Josh and William all wore blue shirts.

That meant I got a lovely photo of my "boys in blue" (one of whom is bound to want to kill me for putting that picture on the internet... *shrug* mother's prerogative - and I could put worse ones up!)

We also officially started our Pampered Chef business, with Roarke having three cooking shows in four days. It is really fun, and we love having something to do that includes food ;-)

I have finally been able to pass on the media spokesperson role, with Ian Matthews being announced as the new spokesperson. I'm sure Ian is going to be amazing, and I wish him all the best. I'm not going to miss the endless phone calls nor the short-notice "can you do a radio interview?" or, worse, "can we send a car to bring you to the studio?"!

Ongoing activities include Josh taking his Level 4 Sailing course at Danson Park, and going to SAVVY on a Thursday. Samuel is getting more and more involved at church on the sound/multi-media desk. He served in ROCK Sunday School on Sunday and then in the evening (and again on Monday) when we had Pastor Bill Wilson from Metro Ministries over, he served in the tech box. He has also been going to band practice every Thursday to do the sound for Baseline.

Josh is still doing his math regularly, which is encouraging. I need to start thinking about giving Jonathan some more opportunities for learning actually. I think, having never gone to school and therefore having no hang ups about studying, that he would response well to having some worksheets and things to do. I need to dust them all of ;-)

Bill Wilson was amazing, actually. The messages that he brought have really affected myself, Roarke, Josh and Samuel and there is a lot of thinking, praying, and planning going on as a result. There has definitely been a paradigm shift..

That same weekend we also went to another first birthday party, this time for Kaiyah.

This was a lovely gathering and we were very pleased to have been included amongst friends and family invited.

We went with William and Jonathan for the start of it; they had a great time with all the kids there.

We then collected Josh and Samuel from their life group social, dropped Jonathan at Mum's, and went back and stayed until the end.

It was good to be out as a family.

This morning I had an interview with a reporter - not about home education for a change! Woo hoo! Actually it was about Dad's story and I'm hoping that the piece gets published and helps a little in raising awareness of coeliac disease.

The garden seems to have recovered from the frosts and the plants have all responded well to the short sunny spell that we have had. I have finally worked out that it IS the pigeons eating my brassicas, having caught them in the act, so yesterday I went out there and made a make-shift netting cover for them all as well as for the strawberries. I hope that works!

Now I need to focus on the fact that Jonathan will be THREE next weekend, and then it will only be a few weeks before William is EIGHT!

Love Doesn't End With Dying

"Love doesn’t end with dying
Or leave with the last breath
For someone you’ve loved deeply
Love doesn’t end with death"

"…Bill always seemed to be someone who would go the extra mile. He is going to be enormously missed by so many people and I am proud to have known him…"

Four years ago today my beloved Dad died. The quote about him above was just one of many messages we received from friends in the weeks that followed, and it really sums him up.

From the very start I was a Daddy's Girl. Dad worked as a truck driver up until my mid-teens and was often away for days or weeks at a time on long trips. I always missed him terribly and was ecstatic to see him home. So much so that one year it was my downfall - literally! I remember hearing his air horn sound and hear the truck pulling into the lay by opposite our house. I ran out the back door to look over the fence, and promptly slipped over on some ice, fracturing my coccyx - I couldn't sit down without a rubber ring for months afterwards (not a Good Thing when you are 13, already being bullied, and now have to take a rubber ring into school to sit on....).

It was worth it :-)

Even now, four years on from his death, I find it hard to conjure up memories of Dad. Not because they aren't there, but because they hurt so very much. Yet at the same time I'm scared that if I don't think about them, they will fade.

I have lots of lovely childhood memories, of home, of family holidays, of cuddles with Dad. I remember him feeling I had got too old to come in bed for cuddles - Dad was a very "proper" man and always concerned about what was right - so he insisted that I stayed above the covers in future if I went in for a morning cuddle.

We clashed, like all families, during my teen years. Looking back now - as an adult and more imporantly as a PARENT - I can see why! I wasn't an outrageously rebellious child, and to be frank, most of my escapades were kept well away from my parents who didn't know the half of it ;-) But I tested Dad to the limit with some of my late nights, unsavoury boyfriends, playing heavy metal loudly, and all the other stuff you would expect from a teenage girl!

(so glad I've got boys...)

One shining memory is of Dad's face the day I got married. The grin on his face made the Cheshire Cat look like the Mona Lisa. The pride he felt in me was so obvious, so humbling, so warming, so loving.

When the minister asked "and who gives this woman away?" Dad stepped forward and said in a loud, cheerful voice "I DO!" and all the guests laughed at his enthusiasm.

But I know that when I moved out, he missed me terribly, despite his show of being glad to see the back of me.

I know he enjoyed helping us set up our first home. Over the years he helped with gardens, flat roofs, numerous broken down cars... nothing was ever too much trouble.

My joy was complete when I saw Dad holding his first grandson, Josh, for the first time, in hospital in 1993. His face was indescribable.

Oh this hurts so much to write..

I was so blessed to see how much joy his grandsons brought him over the years. He never lost his special awe over his first grandson, and was incredibly proud of how Josh was growing up (Josh was 10 when Dad died). As Samuel grew though, there was a special bond between them as they shared a love of trains. Dad used to take Samuel to train fairs and shows, and it was lovely to see them have something special, something private to share in (as he shared with Josh over a love of birds and nature).

When William was born however, whether it was because we named him after Dad, or some other reason, but there was a strong connection. William would stick to him like glue whenever they were together, and they played endlessly.

With hindsight, I think Dad would have found it unbearable to see how William's personality is affected at times by his ASD, and there is no way Dad could have coped with his violence.

Of course it pains me every single time I look at Jonathan that he never knew his Grandad. Jonathan is such an amazing child, with all the best bits of his brothers rolled into one cute package with his own bits mixed in. I know Dad would have been fascinated with him and, having retired, would have enjoyed spending lots of time with him.

[good grief - knock on the door at 7.30am by a timber merchant, who had got the wrong address. Good job I had put a jumper on over my pyjamas... but not good to open the door like that when you are in the middle of crying so hard... goodness knows what the guy thought...]

It is painfully ironic that the only reason we are back in this area, having lived in the Medway once we got married, is because of Dad dying (and us selling up to first live with Mum, and now renting). If he had lived we wouldn't be this close to him - something he would have enjoyed so much.

Dad never counted himself as significant in any way. I grew up knowing that he felt a failure for not having been "educated" and not having had a "proper job". He compared himself to those around us with fathers working in the City, "something in banking", to those who had at least two holidays abroad each year, and two cars on the drive. We struggled to have a holiday each year, we grew our own veg, and Mum made our clothes - by today's benchmark we were pretty close to the breadline at times.

Dad had been thrown out of home aged 14 and signed up - illegally - to the Royal Navy by his father who lied about Dad's age in order to get rid of him. Dad loved his years in the Navy, and said to me - in a rare confidence shortly before he died - that it was the first time in his life he'd felt loved. Just before Mum and Dad married he left the Navy to join the police force - another job that he enjoyed.

By the time I came along the shift pattern and hours of the police wasn't working out with a young family so he left for trucking. He stayed with that until just a few years before he retired, when he switched to being a parking meter attendant - a job that got him out and about (he could never have worked in an office).

Through the years he first ran a local British Sub Aqua Club branch, then volunteered for the Royal National Lifeboat Institution local branch, and then the Royal British Legion.

I was proud to be able to share this with him, as we both served as Standard Bearers, taking part in competitions and having the privilege of marching on hundreds of remembrance parades as well as taking part in the Lord Mayor's Show and the Royal Tournament. Dad also took part in the Cenetaph parade on a number of occasions.

Everytime I hear a bird sing, every time I look at a flower, every Remembrance Day, every time I see an image of the Royal Navy, every time a truck goes by, every time I go into my garden, every time the car needs fixing, I miss him.

Every time I see an elderly couple walking by, and know Mum is alone (they'd known each other since Mum was about 7), I miss him.

Every time I see a lady out with her Dad, I miss him.

Every time I see a grandad out with his grandchildren - in the streets or at a park - I miss him.

Every time I look at my children - I miss him.

Every tough moment I face, I wish I could still call him up for a hug.

Every happy experience, I wish he was there to share.

Every time I have something to be proud of, I think how much more proud he would have been.

Every time I bake something gluten free - I regret not having had the chance to show Dad that, despite being coeliac, he could still have had all his favourite cakes and pastries - because I would have put every effort into trying to make the most amazing foods for him so he didn't miss out.

Every year, from Mum and Dad's anniversary at the start of February, through to the anniversary of his funeral in the middle of May, I spend every day missing him and mourning him so much more.

I wanted to write something that somehow conveyed, and honoured, my Dad. I was inspired by this post by a friend which moved me with its expression of love and loss.

But I can't do him justice. Maybe it's my writing skills that have let me down.

Maybe it just hurts too much.

Dad - I miss you more than I can express - You will never, ever be forgotten.

Life Stages

We're really packing it into the days this week!

On Friday Samuel and Josh went to a friend's house from 11am till 8pm. Whilst they were out, we took William and Jonathan over to meet with Vicki and the boys, and we went for a walk/pond dip and general hanging out in the sunshine.

Saturday, Samuel went out for the whole day with his friend Alex, for Alex's birthday. They went to the Comedy Club for Kids in London, then for a meal, then back to Alex's until after Dr Who in the evening. By all accounts Samuel had a great day.

Sunday was church, with Roarke taking part in the second drama of a series that they are running during April. It sees him in his soldier's uniform, playing the part of "Brad", an actor... as you can imagine he is getting a lot of laughs :-)

On Monday we had a family day out with our friends and their children. We went to Greenwich to the Royal Observatory, and then had a picnic in the park - despite the somewhat artic winds blowing across the hill! We then went back to their house (to warm up!) and relax. A really really lovely day.

The rest of this week so far has been a mixture of business, charity work, family stuff, and generally rushing around.

April is of course a really bad month for me, and as always I am mentally and emotionally spending most of my time thinking about this time back in 2006. This weekend will be my 40th birthday, and that added "life stage" kind of atmosphere is, I guess, making my grief sharper this year.

We had hoped to have a party at a hall, but for various reasons this has been downgraded to having friends over on Saturday for a buffet lunch. Just as the kids always get to chose their "party food" for their parties, I've decided what we're eating on Saturday - and it is all my favourites! This means everything is either meat or cheese based (savoury) or meringue, fudge or toffee based (if sweet).

I'm hoping peope are going to be able to bring food, but I'm doing the bulk of the catering myself. I'm making it all gluten free as not only is my coeliac brother coming, but also obviously two of my boys are gluten free, and two other guests are gluten free.

It also kind of feels fitting to me, in Dad's memory :-(

At the last count I had 14 adults and 22 children coming...

I've just started the preparation. A beef joint is marinading for 24hrs now in red wine, thyme and rosemary from the garden, garlic and shallots. I'll slow cook that tomorrow, then slice it for the table. I've also made my first batch of gf dough, making some olive oil bread.

This is the view from one of my kitchen windows:
I love this photo as it manages to encapsulate most of who I am and where I'm at right now.

Two measuring scales (a necessity with all this baking), a batch of gf dough provingin the sunlight, potatoes chitting, windowsill chilli seedlings, two pot plants each a gift from friends visiting for dinner.. then looking out into the garden the left hand walled flower bed has crocosmia bulbs coming up at the back, then strawberry plants, then a few primulas at the front for colour. The black seat is off Freecycle (of course!), and the table is 8 years old and on its last legs (literally!). Behind that is my new vegetable patch with garlic, cabbages, brocolli, carrots, beetroot and leeks all in the little patch that you can see, and edged with spring bulbs inherited with this house. And of course the trampoline :-)

Weary Weekend

On Saturday Roarke took the youngest three boys over to a friend's for a birthday party, whilst I stayed home with Josh.

When they left, Guitar Hero had been on so I thought I'd have just a quick go before switching it off.... 50 minutes later I noticed the time! Eek!

Once I'd got my sensible head back on I made dauphinoise potatoes, a mushroom duxelle and some onion gravy ready for the family meal over at my Mum's on Sunday.

Sunday morning I went to early church (9.30am) then got the bus direct to Mum's to prepare a starter, then prepare and cook the pork tenderloin. Roarke came over at 1.30pm after having taken everyone else to the second service at church, and my brother arrived with his family - and pudding! We shared a family meal together in memory of Dad, and thinking of what would have been Dad & Mum's 45th wedding anniversary.

This morning I will be speaking with Coeliac UK to see if Dad's "story" can be useful to them in any way in their campaigning.

Yesterday was a typical Monday here, with a bits-and-bobs kind of day - a mixture of business and family things. We've set up a home server now so that we can store shared files and back up to it which means I should be able to hold of some of the educational stuff I've got stored around various computers!

Josh has been working on finishing the stuff for his Bronze Arts Award, and I'm glad that he has self-motivated to get on with it himself.

Over the weekend I went to change the sheet on Jonathan's cot bed, only to discover (when I pulled the bed out to reach some teddies that had fallen down) that there was black mould all down the wall and it had gone into his mattress, his teddies, and the headboard. I was shocked to say the least. This has meant (other than a frantic phone call to the landlord) in having to move his bed away from the way and it is now sticking out into the middle of the room and touching foot-to-foot with our bed.

I had an awful night last night with Jonathan. He woke up at 2.50am and had a cuddle, then wanted to come into bed with us. I was very tired and as I don't sleep well once he is with us, I decided to encourage him to settle back in his own bed.

I had not allowed for how stubborn he is.

1hr 45 minutes later I thought he had finally gone to sleep so I took of my dressing gown (sub-zero temperatures are not recommended for sitting up for nearly 2hrs in the middle of the night!) and went to get back in to bed. A little voice piped up from the other side of the room "what are you doing Mummy?!". I replied "getting into bed because I'm cold!" and Jonathan said "me too, I want to come into your bed too!"

I was so tired and cold I gave in - and wasted all that time having sat up!

I slept lightly for the rest of the night and ended up getting up at 7.15am just to get some headspace - hence having actually blogged!

Baking Bug

I seem to have caught another bug - a baking bug!

For some reason I'm finding myself wanting - even needing - to bake every day.

Partly this is down to following the inspirational gluten free journey of Shauna and Danny. Whilst I may scour the internet for ideas and recipes for the family, I had gotten out of the habit of creating my own. Reading her blog, and getting ideas from Danny, sent me back to my own recipes that I used to cook before gluten became an issue.

I've been tweaking, experimenting, and generally enjoying myself!

This week I've made (all gluten free) chocolate biscuits, "rocky road", sun dried tomato & rosemary bread, lemon drizzle cake, tea cakes, banana bread and flapjacks!

Most of those recipes are in our online family cookbook but some need a bit more work before I'm ready to share.

Talking of food, Jonathan is eating better now which is great. In fact, he doesn't seem to stop eating with "Mummy, I'm still hungry" being a regular refrain around the house (makes a change from the teenager saying it...)

Talking of the teenager, Josh has the script for the first project SAVVY are working on this term, which is A Midsummer Night's Dream, where he is playing Theseus, Duke of Athens. I'm wondering if this will give us the chance to look at some Shakespeare (she says, in a guilty, meant to be autonomous-and-not-push-them kind of way).

And talking of autonomous, this is typical: William, my seven and a half year old lad with ASD, cannot yet read or write. Partly this is down to his refusal to learn and partly down to the aforementioned autonomous home education approach. Yesterday evening however he came downstairs to ask if he could set up a Runescape account. Leaving aside any other considerations as to whether or not I think that is going to happen, I reminded him that we had made clear to him that we would not subscribe him to, or open any new accounts on any new online games until such time as he could read. Whilst it never ceases to amaze me how he can wander around the internet playing games without being able to read (obviously he recognises the important - to him - stuff like which button he clicks to start, open, run, close etc!), taking part in things even as basic as Club Penguin means constant requests to read something to him, tell him what he should be doing or what he has just done wrong.

I also worry about his laptop as he can't read any warning messages that pop up...

So, anyway, we reminded him and immediately he said "ok, I'll learn to read then!".

Being ASD, actually what he meant was "I'll learn to read now" and I had to explain that it wasn't quite as simple as that, and he couldn't just learn in a few minutes. I could tell that he didn't believe me!

The upshot of that conversation was that I set him up on Starfall and then on the SuperWhy website. After about half an hour he came over to us to ask for a pencil and some paper, and proceeded to show us that he had learnt the upper and lower case for J, T, A, B, Z, Z and O!

Why those letters, I have no idea. But what was interesting was seeing further evidence that suggests to us that he may be dyslexic and/or have some other visual processing disorder.

On the subject of that, we are toying with the idea of taking him to see Ian Jordan, as the option offered by Bromley Local Authority of an assessment of SEN is not what we want and will lead to a level of interference and intrusion that will in no way be equalled by a benefit.

Despite my baking, Roarke is still changing shape and losing weight, and in consultation with his GP working on progressing his training for the London Triatholon which is he going to do in order to raise funds for the Hope Foundation. Mind you, he hasn't had the Rocky Road yet...

On a sad note, this week I finally got around to finishing another page on the family website, for the new "health" section. The page is about Coeliac Disease. It was very hard to write, but I feel glad to have done it. Dad's story needs telling. This weekend would have been Mum & Dad's 45th wedding anniversary..

Housing and Anniversaries

Well it didn't work out for that house :0(

The housing officer who had said we could get a 4 bed was obviously mistaken - housing benefit turned it down flat even with a VERY strong letter from the doctor to say how the whole family is deteriorating due to being in 3 beds and the two autistic boys sharing.

We've taken it to our MP, to the Press, and to the Department Head - the whole process has been a shambles with different stories being given by everyone we speak to, and nothing being offered to us at all until 10 days before our official eviction date. It sucks.

Don't anyone DARE talk to ME about safeguarding my children, and them being healthy, happy and safe when the Council treat families with SEN kids like this.

The whole moving thing is so unsettling for everyone but especially for William and Samuel. Samuel is very emotional, very anxious, with all his repetative behaviour coming out. William is increasingly violent and care-less.

:0(

On a better note, a 4 bed that we had gone to see via the Council is still a possibility as it seems the landlord may be prepared to rent to us privately despite our circumstances. We'll have to wait and see how that pans out.

In the meantime we've started the long process of packing which has already involved two trips to the dump!

We've had more friends over to entertain, with a family visiting on Sunday which was very nice. We also went last week to see an old friend of mine - snakes, sun, heavy metal music, and laughter. It was GREAT!

Samuel enjoyed using chalks today. I'd got them out for Jonathan (who took to them instantly and tried taking them to bed with him!) but Samuel had a go at drawing on the patio and got really into it. My nephew was over, and him and William and Jonathan played reasonably well with the Happy Tracks too.

This evening William had a major meltdown and I'm afraid I cracked and reacted back and now I feel suitably crap about my parenting skills - or lack of.

It doesn't help that yesterday was the anniversary of Dad's death. Three years. Can you believe it? I truly can't get my head around it. I spent all day very low and dealing with the Council did NOT help. By the end of the day I had an appalling headache and I just couldn't talk or think without crying.

This morning I got up feeling a bit stronger, and the sunshine is helping.

Please consider signing this

As some of you may know, my Dad died 3 years ago suddenly due to cancer brought about purely by having been an undiagnosed Coeliac. Following his death we found out that my brother also had the disease without knowing it, and he is now managing his diet.

1 in 100 people in the UK has coeliac disease but only 1 in 8 of these individuals has been diagnosed. At the moment GPs do not have a target in their contract to diagnose coeliac disease. By including a target into the Quality and Outcomes Framework GPs would have to deliver better diagnosis rates of coeliac disease. This would reduce the numbers of people at risk of serious long term health problems due to being undiagnosed and help find the missing half million people who have coeliac disease but don't know it.

Please consider signing the petition below from Coeliac UK and help us to put pressure on the government. You can forward the link to family and friends to sign as well. Once you have added your name and email address you will be sent a confirmation email with a link. Simply click on the link to register your signature. Please note: depending on your email security settings, this might go into your Spam folder.

http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/coeliacdisease/

This is a subject so dear to my heart, as this ripped my family apart and we are less because of the loss of Dad. I'd like to do what I can to prevent that happening to others.

Thank you,

Ann

End of the week

On Tuesday I had Jonathan all to myself. He was really stuffed up with a cold and is not sleeping well, so Roarke took the other three off to Beaver Water World with the home ed group. They got to see lots of small animals, beavers, and reptiles. Josh did the reptile handling and seemed to enjoy it.

Wednesday was a tough day. In the morning I went for William's diagnosis result, which was ASD. On one part of the questionnaire where 8 was the cut off point for showing that yes the child was on the spectrum, he'd scored 23...

It was a lot to take in even though I was prepared for it and it has caused us to sit and really reevaluate everything. We had a chat with Josh about it and said it might be easier for him to think of William as being the same as Jonathan - that is, toddler behaviour - rather than seeing him as naughty etc. To give Josh his due, and he deserves HUGE credit for this, ever since that conversation he has been spending lots of time with William playing with him and indeed responding to him how he responds to Jonathan. The pay off is huge as William is really happy and it seems to have been less stressful for Josh too.

Straight after the interview I had to drive to Hither Green for my friend's cremation service.

It was never going to be "good" but sadly it was an awful experience. As a Christian I get very uncomfortable at "christian" services for non-Christians. My friend's mother had been religious and I understand he had been baptised as a baby and on that basis his father had arranged a religious funeral. But my mate was an atheist and for his friends sitting in the pews it was so uncomfortable to listen to stuff that we knew he was utterly opposed to. We all expected the lid of the coffin to fly off to be honest and him to sit up and answer back! At one point there was a huge gust of wind and the skies darken and some of us couldn't help looking at each other and winking as we all thought the same thing!

The person taking the service didn't know my friend, and had obviously only spoken a few words with his father - who sadly didn't really know his son either. So there was just one sentence actually about my friend and the rest was just the service in the book.

It was excruciatingly painful, sad, and made me very upset. When we came outside it was obviously that all his mates felt the same. We all agreed that if we'd planned the service it would have been about what our friend wanted - but then I guess funerals are for the living not the dead :0(

Some of us went back to the house to pay our respects then we slipped out and joined the others in the pub. THAT was when it really felt like we were saying goodbye properly. Standing in a pub, insulting each other, playing practical jokes on each other, and sharing funny stories about our mate was the reality of our friendship with him and each other and I felt so much better after I'd been there.

It was great to see some mates I hadn't seen for a LONG time, and reminding me of my dim and distant youth and all the stuff I got up to ;0) The only thing missing was my friend.

The next day I woke feeling awful having obviously come down with one of the many bugs going around. With both Jonathan and I ill I had to cancel a meeting I had with a local LA which was a shame. The only highlight of the day was watching Roarke try on an army uniform for a marketing film he was starring in the next day! Shame I felt too ill to take advantage ;0)

The only boots he had suitable to use for the shoot as part of the uniform where his old work/garden boots, so that meant an evening of spit and polish for me. I didn't mind, as it kind of took me back and made me think of Dad. We used to spend hours together getting ready for parades, and especially for competitions (both Dad and I were British Legion Standard Bearers, I went up to Area level, Dad as far as National). I am extremely good at polishing shoes to service standard!

Roarke took Josh to SAVVY and back for me, as I really wasn't safe to drive as I was so dizzy, and it sounds like Josh had a good time as usual.

Friday was a long day. As well as the usual household stuff like shopping in the morning I also went to London in the afternoon as part of a group from EO going back for a return meeting with Graham Badman. Like I've said elsewhere notes from the meeting won't be out till next week as we all need to compare notes and write something coherent, and between family commitments amongst those of us there, it isn't going to happen quickly. Needless to say the meeting was only noteworthy for me in what we didn't find out.

Roarke was filming all day but we got a chance to relax a little late in the evening once we were both back home, before an early night. Only once in the past fortnight have we gone to bed after Josh! Gosh how old am I?!

Today I did some baking to relax and try to get my head together, making bread and biscuits and then sorting out a nice roast for the evening. I noted that the free range chicken said it served 3-4 and yet we managed generous portions for two adults, three kids (well, Josh and Samuel are more adult portion actually), Jonathan's dinner, and then 10 portions to freeze down for more meals for him. I assume that means people usually waste huge amounts as I can't believe it is because they eat all that much meat. If they do, well, no wonder obesity is rising. Having said that those of you who have met either Roarke or myself will know we don't exactly look like people who eat small portions so... like I said, it must just come down to waste.

Jonathan is currently sitting on the table next to me trying to get onto his push along train which is ALSO on the table... you can see where this is going to end can't you?! Yes I know he shouldn't be on the table but you try reasoning with him!

Ups and Downs

Saturday's little tea party for my nephew was nice. Samuel made a new friend in one of my brother's neighbours, and when they found out they both use Club Penguin he was even happier.

On Sunday I went out to take Roarke to work, before we went to church, only to discover that the car wouldn't start. To cut a long boring story short, the alternator on the Kia has gone. Fortunately we've been able to get hold of a second hand one via eBay and our mobile mechanic is hoping to fit it for us either tomorrow or Thursday. In the meantime we have either not gone out, walked, or relied on lifts - thanks to all those who have helped us out.

We are trying to work with Josh and Samuel to help Samuel enjoy some more freedom and experience as he approaches his teenage years. As part of that he went with Josh to the teen bowling on Monday. Apparently there were 17 teenagers there! This is definately a growing area for our group and we need to keep coming up with things that they want to take part in and that gives them chance to build on their friendships.

Josh today had a look at the LearnPremium site that EO members can get at a discount and enjoyed working through the Keystage 4 Drama section. William spent another hour on Education City. All in all it has been an unusually "educational" day for the children!

Today has been a really tough day. I had a phone call at 8 oclock this morning to tell me that an old friend - an ex-boyfriend - had died at the weekend. Actually the actual time of his death is not known at the moment. He was in very poor health, but his death is still a shock. The actual nature of his death is quite unsettling and the whole experience is really distressing me.

All day I've been kind of living in the past, revisiting memories etc. It has been most disconcerting.

Starting as we mean to carry on?...

Regular readers know that I have had huge issues with new year in the past, but I am pleased to report that just as Christmas exceeded all our best expectations, so did new year!

We didn't "do" anything - Roarke had another chest infection and I wasn't up to taking Jonathan with us to any party and risking such a disturbed night that one gets when you muck around with a toddler's routine. However, the whole thing passed without my usual internet emotional turmoil which has made a huge difference to my starting outlook for the year.

One thing hasn't changed though - we still seem too busy!

Of course the big thing that WAS looming for us was the EO EGM which as well as all the work Roarke and I were putting into it behind the scenes as trustees, meant two days away from home.

The boys totally understood and supported the fact that they were being dragged around and that the time wasn't about them, and so it would mean that they were to spend most of the two days sitting in a car or sitting around listening to us adult yabbering on. I was so proud of them, and so touched by their support. Samuel said "look mum if you don't do these things then we can't be home educated, so we do understand". What a star!

As it was, on balance, they were ok because the venue for the actual EGM was a brilliant adventure playground kind of place so once we were there, they had a great time. They also enjoyed meeting other home ed kids and Josh in particular enjoyed meeting other teens which he doesn't get to do that often down here.

The most negative thing about the time away was that we all had gluten both days running. Poor Samuel has really suffered this time and is himself now deciding that he doesn't want to get "treated" to Mcdonalds or Kentucky etc in the future as he realises actually it is no treat to end up feeling this way :0( Better planning on our part could have minimised it but then that is just the way that it goes sometimes.

We are all making a huge effort to allow him to get it out of his system without holding him accountable for his behaviour at the moment.

Rather interestingly/worryingly William seems to have been actually physically unwell from eating the gluten so we are going to look for a coeliac test for him.

Wednesday I went to the paediatrician with Jonathan. They have agreed to run another round of allergy test for him, and include a coeliac screen. This means giving him gluten again for a while. We started on one slice of bread a day - I've still had to make my own as all the shop bought bread has soya in it which he still seems to really react to. So far there hasn't been any tummy reaction from him, but we are keeping an eye on it.

Friday was a weird day. My best friend at college doesn't live in this area anymore however her father died just before Christmas and the funeral was here in Orpington. As she had no where for mourners to come back to afterwards, we offered our house.

This wouldn't be so weird (as I knew her Dad well in those days) other than the fact that we haven't seen each other or spoken to each other in nearly 11 years. We were both still firmly in touch with a mutual friend (also from those days) but not in contact with each other. However when I heard about her Dad, and her dilema, it was an easy decision to make.

Real friendships are like that, aren't they?

The totally odd thing was at the funeral, where I met up with her (best friends from the age of 16 till 21), another close friend from those days (who I'd known from the age of 12), an ex boyfriend from those days, plus our mutual friend. We'd all been college, or hippy, or biker, or war gaming friends 15+ years ago.

The last time we'd all been together in one place was at my wedding 15 years ago!

On the one hand therefore we all felt happy to be together, but of course on the other hand very sad as we'd all known and loved her Dad.

After the service everyone came back here, some 25 or more mourners. She'd supplied two saucepans of soup (something her Dad was known for) and we'd made two more. Nearly all of it went, it was that cold a day!

I really found my head jumbled by the mixture of emotions from the day.

Today we've been looking at fitness dvds.... I *want* to follow one, I *want* to be able to bounce around, dance, get fit.... but I feel such a darn plonker doing it, even in the privacy of my own home with no one watching! Roarke is ok. Because he used to be a fitness/dance teacher in his 20s, before he first got ill and went on steroids, he has a lovely lean THIN guy inside of him. He is also very limber, and can still do the splits all the way to the ground despite the current size of him! I never COULD do the splits!

So, he doesn't feel self conscious doing it, he can do it all with ease despite his size, whereas I flounder around like a walrus....

I keep asking myself if I really want to be fit.....

Catching Up

I see I haven't posted anything personal since Jonathan's first birthday weekend! Ooops!

We continued to have a good few days "holiday" at home. We went intro Bromley on the Monday (9th) and bought each of the boys something new to wear, then had lunch sitting outside Pret a Mange - introducing Samuel to brie and tomato sandwiches (which is now a new favourite of his!).

The we took the boys swimming ; Jonathan is somewhat aquaphobic so we hoped that it would help him. Well, he DID stop screaming after a while, but he spent the whole time clinging to my neck and refusing to let go!

We then went off to the St Pauls Cray Meadows, to meet up with Grace and the boys, and to let them play in the stream building dams.

As part of our holiday treat to ourselves, we also went and bought some paint and laminate flooring so that we could decorate the front room. Sharing with mum means we have one reception room and so far, in the two years we've been here, we hadn't got around to changing anything - the decoration was from my 81 year old grandfather (who has been dead 20 years) and my brother (who used to have the room as his living room when he lived at home).

Now we have one dark red wall, three pale almost pink walls, and a wooden floor! That kept us busy - we had to paint of an evening once Jonathan had gone to sleep and on Friday Roarke spent a marathon day laying the floor in one day.

We've also enjoyed a few meals out, had some take aways shared with Mum, and generally it was a nice week.

On Thursday Josh had the teen group, and Friday of course was my usual busy day - doing the shopping first thing, Josh going kayaking, and me and the other three boys going to the Bromley hall. There was a marquee being erected at the rugby club and a clean up going on inside the hall so we spent the three hours outside on the pitch!

Saturday was another busy day rushing around, but Sunday was nice as we went to Callum's birthday barbeque.

On Monday we went to Legoland, part of a group of home educators who booked together to get a group discount. We all had a great time, the weather stayed dry despite the warnings of sharp showers! Roarke was manoeuvred into going onto all the "wet" rides with Joshua, but I did go on the Dragon ride with him!

Jonathan has cut his eight tooth this week, but whether its that or his jabs this week, he has gone off his food (what little he has!) and only wants milk :0( Its a shame as we were starting to make progress with him. He also went 5 hours for the first time one night this week! Just the one!

Tuesday I went to the church Babyboomers meet for an hour, then back here to get ready to take the boys to Monkey Bizz. Two other families there, but I now have to pay for Jonathan who was determined to get his money's worth by wanting to be in the baby section all the time! Made conversations difficult :0(

In the evening Roarke drove myself and Mum (and baby of course) over to the British Legion Branch meeting at Thamesmead & Abbeywood. The Branch have remained disgusted that neither Dad's own branch (Petts Wood) nor Legion County or National did anything to commemorate Dad: he had held almost every position at Branch and County level, had worked selflessly for the Legion for many many years, and had served at Area level as a Standard Bearer.

So, Tuesday night, they invited us to attend and for Mum to unveil a plaque put up in the bar (Dad would be proud!) to commemorate him and all the work that he did. It was a lovely, lovely gesture from a great bunch of people. They bought us drinks, and gave Mum a huge flower arrangement too. It was nice to see some of the old faces I used to know when I was a Standard Bearer too for the Legion.

Painful, moving, but rewarding evening.

Today Roarke has taken Joshua to Blacklands Farm where two teams of HE kids are taking part in the activities there - bungee trampolining, crate challenge and archery!

We've also started signing Josh up for a number of acting agencies - must be all this TV/newspaper work having an affect on him ;0)

Fox Update

Sadly, the fox didn't make it :0(

The lady from the Fox Project phoned to say the young female cub had severe jaundice and therefore this on top of the leg injury was too much.

Still, glad to know I did what I could.

Whilst I have mixed feelings about foxes - Roarke has strong views having seen what they do to chickens for example - I could never leave any animal like that, in pain, to die on my lawn without trying to do something.

Quiet Week, and Remembering

I must say thank you firstly for all the lovely comments that many people have sent me, on and off the lists, to support Samuel. It has taken him a few days, but he's a lot calmer now, and is thinking over some of the ideas people suggested as to how he can "use" his story to help other kids.

Baby Jonathan (10 1/2 months) took his first, proper, unaided step today! That actually makes him the slowest to walk in the family - all the others were walking properly by this age - but that's cool because he is such a bundle of energy and runs us all ragged, just crawling! Its amazing that with three older brothers, and three adults around all the time, we still have trouble keeping up with him!

Samuel is doing well on his typing; he's overtaken Joshua but that's to be expected because of Joshua's dysgraphia.

Josh is champing at the bit, having gone two weeks without sailing to the holidays!

They've played lots on the Stronghold game, which I'm happy to encourage, and also with some new board games we got off of freecycle (two Harry Potter games, a Lord of the Rings chess set, and a game of life kind of game).

Roarke is very busy with his Trustee activities; we're having to be careful as we seem to be spending more time on our non-incoming generating activities than on our income generation...

Because of the school holiday, its been quiet, with few activities other than the teen gathering, a trip to the park (where we met up with some new home educators which was great), and an invite out to a family from church, for tea (which made a change).

We borrowed the Indiana Jones series of films from those friends, which we've watched as "family movie night" for a few nights (except of course for Dr Who night on Saturday!). This has been good as they have stimulated a lot of questions. We've talked about religion, Nazi Germany (the burning of the books in one scene got us started on a great conversation), ethics, archeology, myths.... all good HE material ;0)

Today is is two years since Dad died, and I've just come back from the Crematorium, where Mum and I went over to spend some time in the Garden of Remembrance - doing just that, remembering. I know he's "not there" but, just as Dad and I used to attend all those Legion Remembrance Parades, this is MY way of marking out my rememberance of him.

It hurts. When is it meant to not hurt so hard that you can't breath?

Remembering

The day is nearly over, and I've just about made it through. Thank you so much for all the ecards, emails and thoughts/prayers/vibes that I know have been sent our way this week, and today. Its amazing how strong these "cyber" bonds can be.

For those that don't know, this blog entry from a year ago will set the background.

We'd been up most of the night; William and then Joshua going down with the stomach virus that my Mum had a few days ago. Roarke was brilliant - I don't know how I'd survive without him. He sat up with William, rubbing his back when he was sick, with him snuggled into our bed, then he took a chair and sat by Will's bed until he fell asleep, so that he felt safe with his Dad there.

He got up every time for Joshua and cleared up where necessary. Despite feeling quite unwell himself.

He's been an absolute rock for me, understanding my violent emotional moods this week, and taking the boys off my hands at least once a day for as long as possible. Yesterday, he went with the HE group to Poverest Park for some 2-2 /2 hrs so that I could rest.

Late morning, we took the boys over to the Garden of Rememberance at the Crematorium. They asked to be shown where we'd "put" Grandad, so we showed them the rose bushes. William didn't really take it in, but he did say afterwards what a lovely place it was, and how Grandad must like the pretty pink blossoms :0)

Samuel appeared at first not to be bothered - but its very much the aspie way, as he is able to look at things separately from his emotions - which I envy him for. When we came away, after they'd been playing around the gardens and looking at the fish in the pond, he broke away from us and walked over to the flower bed where his Grandad's ashes were buried, and stood with his head down, obviously saying his own thing to his Grandad. Then came back for a fierce hug with his Dad.

Joshua, always the most emotive, struggled today, but interestingly doesn't seem to connect the Garden with his Grandad - I guess he truly understands he isn't "there" in any sense - and was more concerned with how I felt. He's also been feeling ill still today and didn't really recover his spirits, and any appetite, until about 4pm.

As for me, I found it both soothing and appallingly painful. He might not be there - but then neither are the people "there" on Rememberance Sunday, but I still observe, and still remember. I just find the hole he's left behind so big.

As I said when he died, I'd rather have these million and one (at the moment) painful memories, than have had a childhood/life without such a loving father.

In the afternoon, I tried to rest, as I'm feeling quite sick too now. My feet are HUGE too.

Late afternoon, I went over with Mum and my Brother to the gardens again. We took a small posy of flowers from our garden - including Dad's wisteria which has flowered this year for the first time ever :0(

My brother came here then for a meal, as his wife and my cousin are visiting her family in Hungary at the moment (he flies out to join them during the week) and we made him up a gf batter so that he could have fish and chips; one thing he really misses as a coeliac. Roarke had also made some blueberry muffins from one of the recipe books I'd got for my birthday, and Samuel made some of his famous gf shortbread.

I've eaten some dinner, but already regretting it... :0(

So, not much "formal" learning today - but a day full of "real life".

Aches and Pains

Meant to post yesterday but ended up in too much pain to get on the pc much in the afternoon/evening :0(

The weekend was ok. Roarke was working. Went to sit out in the garden to enjoy the weather, then quickly remembered why hot weather and pregnancy don't mix! After about 10 minutes it was unbearable!

Hot weather + 3 boys + garden + shorts = lots of cuts and bruises! Poor old William, underneath all the dirt, has barely a patch of skin left that doesn't have a cut on it! The boys have been happily playing outside, digging in the dirt, running around, building a huge tented house by dragging tarpaulin over the climbing frame... you name it, they've done it!

Having a runny nose, has meant that William has been wiping his face, with his black hands... and I think you can get the picture!

I read on someone's blog the other day, their comment that it was good to see their children "enjoying their childhood" and I thought that summed it up perfectly.

To my great pleasure, and encouragement, I found Samuel (on Saturday) in his brother's room on the computer at one point, where he had - independently - loaded up the BBC Science Clips site and was working his way through the primary section. I was very pleased; especially as he always maintains that science isn't "his thing". He came in afterwards and chatted to me about what he had been doing, and what he had learnt.

Apart from that, actually, Samuel has had a good few days of not really focusing on anything. Interestingly, you may recall that a while back we put the kids onto a new multi vitamin, following some research, and some training, that I'd had. We had thought we'd noticed a difference; but like with going gluten free, the change had been so gradual that we'd wondered if we'd imagined it. However, we ran out of the vitamin last week.

Within 3 days, we suddenly realised that Samuel's behaviour - and Joshua's as well in a less in-your-face way - had REALLY deteriorated. We've had at least one meltdown a day, all the old speech patterns coming back, all the old phrases ("I'm no good", "I'm always hurting people"), being totally intolerant. Joshua has been more manic, and less focused.

We've been stunned. We should get our next delivery within a day or so and we are REALLY keen to see if resuming the tablets seems to stop this again. Watch this space for more updates!

As for me, I had appalling lower back ache yesterday, which got so bad by the evening that I was actually in tears with it. I was then awoken at 1.30am with such a painful "braxton hicks" that for a split second I actually thought I was in labour. They continued, 40-50 minutes apart, until 6am this morning. They were painful enough that each one woke me.

I was dreading getting out of bed; figuring if they'd been that bad, it could only get worse on my feet, but thank God they didn't return. However, I've noticed the back ache started again around 6 this evening. Definately seem to be entering the stage where being on my feet for more than short periods of time sets off the irritable uterus problem (I'd been at church in the morning, and baking in the afternoon).

At least, unlike when I was pregnant with William, I don't have the school run - which at that time was actually the school walk as I wasn't driving. I walked 3 miles a day, twice a day, to take Samuel to playschool and Joshua to school, till the hospital gave me an ultimatum to be hospitalised, or stop the walking. Between friends and some very kind staff at the school, I was able to get the boys taken and collected whenever Roarke was not around to do it. Very glad that it isn't that way now.

This week is going to be tough. I'm afraid I'm very much living each day in the past, excruciatingly aware of what I was doing twelve months ago... I'm going to try my best to get through the week, keeping things going for the boys' sake (I haven't reminded them its the anniversary yet, though Joshua may remember when its my birthday on Wednesday), so I'm hoping for lots of outings: tomorrow is our indoor play area day, Wednesday we'll try to get out, Friday there is a park trip planned. On Saturday, the anniversary, we are going to go over to the Crematorium to the Memorial Gardens.

Sorry - don't mean to be a "downer", but that's the reality of HE, isn't it? We share, we live, laugh, cry, learn, and be together as a family, very much living in the "real world" unlike the unreal, divided, pretence that can come into a family where the children spend all day at school, without connecting to their parents lives (and vice versa). As this blog write up says, its not always about HE, but always about life...

Digging for Education

Yesterday Roarke took Joshua and Samuel out on a trip. Here is his comments from the day:


"Never let it be said that, as home educating parents, we are not commited to the cause...

It was 6 o'clock in the morning when the alarm clock went off and only 6.15am when I dragged two half asleep children out of the comfort of their beds to go quarrying!

50 miles later, and much coffee, we arrived at Ardingly where we visited the Hanson depot. It was great! We saw the whole process from when chippings arrive by train at one end of the depot and go out as asphalt for roads from the other end.

We had history (I didn't know that it was part of the Bluebell Railway), engineering (did you know it takes 3 hours to empty 18 big trucks of their load?), we also found out the different grades of chips that are used - again I didn't know that it is the road surface that makes you stop, when you brake, not just the brakes.

We did PE - well have you ever climbed up that high and then walked across a narrow bridge, ducking your head, minding your shoulders from bits that are sticking out - a veritable obstacle course BEFORE breakfast!

The kids were very interested - the adults even more so - as we found out how they take the different grades of chips, dry them, before heating them and then coating them with the bitumen and loading them into the lorries which we see on our highways and byways (usually when you are driving somewhere in a hurry....)

The kids then got to climb into the big dumper; Samuel's comment, bless him, "what, we get to drive it?". No son, you get to SIT in it!

Whenever I steal Ann's blog, I make the same comments, and I'll make them again; can I justify this morning in light of a national curriculum - I don't know. Did everybody learn some really interesting, background living/knowledge type stuff - yes. And surely THAT is what is important. The kids were well behaved, in fact the owner has invited us to go and have a look at the sand quarry next. The parents were involved with the children, and when all was said and done, yet another visit that I very much doubt will be forgotten in a hurry.

Oh yes, and bacon and eggs round at the organiser's house afterwards was good as well (thanks Kim!)"


Meanwhile, I spent the time with William, playing transformers (don't ask...) and building Zooks out of Kiddie Knex. It was our second time together this week; on Wednesday Roarke had taken the other two to Danson Park to take part in their taster day on water sports.



Samuel decided not to take part in the end; he would have been out on the water without his Dad, in a group environment - not his "thing" and not something we would have booked him for if we had really understood how it was going to be.



Joshua, on the other hand, had really enjoyed himself! Between 10.30 and 3.30 he spent all but about half hour of that on the water, kyaking and sailing.



Having never shown any interest in any physical activity or sport before, we are so glad that he is interested. However, trust him to find one of the most expensive sports to follow; he now wants us to save up for him to be able to do the first stage of his sailing training...


I stayed home with William and we helped to amuse his cousin who was over for the afternoon, whilst my brother went up to London for another endoscopy to see if his villi have recovered now he is on a gluten free diet. It will be a few weeks for the results to come through.

Talking of which, Roarke has had some success this week with contacting local papers to try to get some publicity for his fundraising. We still have a long way to go, so we are hoping that this will encourage people to sponsor him for the triathlon. We are also hoping for some corporate sponsorship as he desperately needs a "proper" triathlon bike, running shoes and a wet suit. If we have to pay for them ourselves, that will be some £1,000 we will have sunk into this charity run.

On a very sad note, one of the other ladies at church who was also pregnant went for her 3 months scan this week only to be told that the baby had died. My heart goes out to her and the family; what an awful tragedy. It will also be very hard for her, with one newborn in the church and another 6 due over the coming months.. Please pray for her.

Myself I am struggling terribly at the moment; the anniversary of losing Dad is looming and between that and my hormones, I seem to spend large parts of the day in tears. The garden is a painful place to be, despite the lovely weather. When Dad retired I bought him a lovely arbour seat, which delighted him. He planted some climbing plants, one of which has never flowered despite all his efforts. Until this year. Seeing it in bloom yesterday completely undid me. We've decided to take a flower from it to lay at the Crematorium in a few weeks time.

Garden chores

Up at 6.10am to be able to take Roarke to the station, as the car too unreliable to take to Oxford. As I was up, I decided to get on with putting some washing on, and getting a gf loaf in the machine.

The boys helped out in the garden first thing. Samuel and William were tearing up newspapers and soaking them, ready to go on the compost heap. This kept them occupied for a surprising amount of time!







I find being in the garden quite painful - especially as it is in its "yellow" stage at the moment, with enough daffodils to do a park proud. However, all I can remember is picking the daffodils each day to take into Dad's hospital room, so that he wouldn't miss out on seeing his lovely flowers in bloom :0(

I've always loved gardening, and this truly is a beautiful garden. But gardening was something that Dad and I shared (one of the many things) and I'm still finding that, instead of being able to feel closer to him, or delight in the beauty that he helped compose, instead it just distresses me. Nearly a year now, and still the memories only bring pain, no smiles. I'm so grateful for the way that Samuel can talk about his Grandad and laugh at the happy memories, and Joshua and William can too, to a lesser extent.

But for me, sadly, its still only pain - I still can't look at any photos of him :0(


Anyway, back to the learning. Joshua planted out the three potatoes that we got from the potatoes for schools deal.

Samuel then helped his Nan to plant our potatoes for our first, early crop, and turned over the soil again ready for all our salad crops later on. The robin, who always sat and watched Dad working, came along, and so Samuel named him Billy Robin, and tried to dig up as many worms as he could for him to eat.

I made some more of the glutafin apple cake, then popped out to collect some stuff from Freecyle; haven't had a chance to go through it yet, but there were colouring books, flash cards, workbooks, stencils and art/craft bits and pieces. Plus about a hundred unused coca cola large cups... yeah I know! Any ideas for great craft projects using disposable cola cups?!

In the afternoon, I rested on the sofa (yes, all without anyone making me!) which gives you some idea how tired and yukky I felt. Jonathan has dropped down a bit in his position which has meant less indigestion today but more painful BHs. Both Samuel and William engaged at 7 months - and I mean FULLY engaged! Wonder if this will be the same?

The boys had fish fingers and chips for dinner (home made chips, sainsbury's gf fish fingers), but I waited until Roarke got back to eat with him, collecting him from the station at 7. He needs to go by train again tomorrow which, due to some engineering and a bus journey, will mean going out almost as early :0(

So church on my own again tomorrow.

Oh, saw this today off of one of the HE lists, and decided to do it - what kind of poetry are you? I found it interesting, as the one that it says I am "most like" is actually the style of poetry that I write!

I'm terza rima, and I talk and smile. Where others lock their rhymes and thoughts away I let mine out, and chatter all the while. I'm rarely on my own - a wasted day Is any day that's spent without a friend, With nothing much to do or hear or say. I like to be with people, and depend On company for being entertained; Which seems a good solution, in the end. What Poetry Form Are You?

A long Weekend

Saturday morning we decided to all get out of the house together; so we spent a lovely hour on a railway bridge watching out for trains!

We spotted 5 Eurostars, which pleased Samuel no end.

Poor William can’t really see what all the fuss is about and plainly became bored after a short while (he wasn't the only one....)

We’d taken some snacks with us (which cheered Willaim up). Joshua and I sat trying to identify as many different birds songs as we could – as the train track runs through the middle of a large wood – and were very pleased to be able to hear a woodpecker.

When we got back to the car, we found that someone had stolen our front number plate! On the way home we talked to the boys about why someone might have done that, and explained how we would need to report it, in order to protect ourselves, should someone then use the plate as a false plate on a car involved in criminal activity (or more likely, in order to avoid the london congestion charges – there’s a lot of that about apparently).

Joshua and Samuel seemed a bit worried that we might get arrested “by mistake”; William said boldly (remember, he is only 4..) “the police would never arrest me – I’m too cute! They’d just look at me and go “ahh!”

So obviously he doesn’t have a problem with his self esteem! Another plus for home education and never going to school!

In the afternoon we had a visitor, someone who had never met the boys before, and who was quite bowled over by how friendly and forward they seem. They always enjoy introducing themselves to people, and Joshua usually offers his hand in a handshake, which people find unusual in one of “today’s children”.

Something else I firmly put down to home educating and the self assurance it is bringing the boys.

The rest of the day the boys played on the NSECT website which is holding their attention at the moment.

Today has been a tough day. It is 10 months since my Dad died but would have been his 68th birthday. It is also about a year round since we found out about the coeliac disease - though we didn't know at the time just how significant that would turn out to be.

This has made me quite touchy and emotional, which of course the boys have picked up upon. We are already in the middle of one of Samuel’s “low” periods (and I must say thanks to Fiona for reassuring me that it is just something that happens with all aspies, and is not my "fault"), though to be fair today wasn’t really about meltdowns but just a lot of his more unpredictable behaviour, coping behaviours (pulling faces, repetitive noises and actions etc). This in turn I found hard to deal with, so I got more touchy… and the vicious circle went around again.

I felt at one point, asking him to go into his room for some quiet to calm down, that maybe it should have been me leaving the house to calm down!

We had a dinner guest on top of everything, and because they had to be collected (an hour round trip) I had no help with dinner (which tasted fine, but the gluten free lasagne I’d made LOOKED awful, so more stress…) and so it was not as enjoyable for me as it should have been.

We all (just about) managed to sit down to watch Time Team though, which we all enjoyed, and which I hope to do some follow up work on tomorrow.

I'm busy trying to prepare for Tuesday when I have been asked to go in and "train" some of the local police and community support officers on the issue of home education in relation to the carrying out of truancy patrols... could prove an interesting session!

On a purely personal note..

This is a very personal blog entry, nothing to do directly with HE.

I think I mentioned before that Roarke, my husband, has decided to do the London Triathlon?

Well today he took his first steps (as it were!), and has set up a blog - The Terrified Triathlete. Do go and have a look. It tells WHY he is doing this, and what he hopes to acheive by raising money in sponsorship.

He's also set up a page on Just Giving, so that people can make online donations.

So is this an appeal? Disguised as a post? Don't know really if I'm honest. All I know is that his WHY is really my WHY, and even typing this makes me cry..

Somehow, considering blogs are such a very public place to be in, they can feel very private at times. This is a big thing in my life, and therefore I cannot not write about it here.

Finally, the End of the Year

Well, it feels like that really. As I've mentioned before, I really seriously have a problem with "new year" - a near-phobia that started in my early teens from a traumatic event.

I find the whole "looking back/looking forward" thing incredibly depressing as, despite my faith, I have a tendancy to being a glass half empty kind of person. As I refuse to take the medication that the "professionals" would have me on for the rest of my life, I have to find other ways to deal with my depression. Most of the time, I succeed(ish!) but at the end of the year...

I've decided if I become rich enough, I want to fly around the world, the "wrong" way at new year's eve, so that basically I can avoid crossing the date line and actually having to experience midnight, on 31st December. Can anyone tell me if that is theoretically possible?!

As it is, Roarke is up early tomorrow on an early shift, so he is going to bed with the boys at 9 - so I'll be all alone. Well, I could sit in with Mother, but I think you'll understand that won't necessarily help my depression!

Samuel found a new focus today, playing around with Google Earth. Combining his love of trains, buses and Eddie Stobarts, he's been following train tracks and roads trying to find an image of a train/lorry! Plus spotting all his dad's buses!

Actually, it sparked some good "learning" conversations, as we discussed where the images came from, how satellites can see us etc. With Joshua, we then got into talking about spys, the US, Area 51 (which amusingly is on google earth, although the "secret" establishment I worked at in the Uk isn't!), government monitoring and stuff.

Samuel has had fun labelling our current house, old house, our church, friend's houses etc!

This evening Roarke and I slipped out for a quick bowl of noodles at our local noodle house (and I mean quick - we were only out for 45 minutes!), and then Roarke treated himself to a go on the boys' new Happy Feet game. Which is strangly addictive. Especially with our new, vibration feedback joystick!

Oh well, I think I shall end up going to bed early too. Hope this area doesn't have as many fireworks as we used to get in Chatham!

I pray that 2007 will bring peace, prosperity, and the realisation of hopes and dreams for all of my "readers" and friends out there.