Friday, May 19, 2006

Blessings in disguise

Today the boys hit their 2 hour learning target, for only the third time in the past fortnight. I am gradually trying to get them focused again – apart from anything, it is helping them move on and deal with their own grief.

I am well aware that the most significant thing they are suffering from is the behaviour of those around them – principally myself. Because I am so unstable at the moment, my “mothering” probably leaves a lot to be desired. I have a shorter fuse, as all my emotional energy is going into controlling my grief in order to function as mother, educator, wife, and daughter, which leaves less over for the social aspect of behaving (if you see what I mean).

Apart from working on their maths and English work books, they also worked through some geography linked worksheets from I’ve also printed out a survey about leisure time, for them to conduct amongst their friends next group meeting, and a survey about local people’s attitude to the high street, which I hope to use in some way in the near future.

I’m also trying to get back involved with our HE group, organising another pottery trip, a new play centre, a visit to HMS Belfast, and a visit to a local park.

Around all these, the process of moving and clearing continues. Highs and lows abound: in clearing through some papers we found the typed speech that my Dad had prepared for my wedding day – he was so nervous and worried that he’d let me down, that he wrote, rewrote, and then typed it. Truly now I understand the meaning of the word “poignant”.

Today was 4 weeks since Dad’s death. Both Mum and I found ourselves awake early, unable to avoid thinking about that time, and how many hours of life he had left at that point a month ago. At 9.25am, the time of his death, I went out into his beautiful garden, alone with my grief. Please tell me someone that it gets easier? Do you ever really, truly believe they have gone? Do you ever stop waiting for them to come through the door?

One of the blessings in all this has been the chance to get back involved in close, local fellowship with a church. The church that my husband and I met at is still going, with the congregation now more or less split between two very good, sound churches. One is within 5 minutes walk of our house, and Roarke and the boys have been 3 weeks running now. I hope this Sunday to feel strong enough to go with them – though at the moment, the “sorry to hear about your Dad” comments still undo me every time.

Another blessing is Mum and Dad’s beautiful garden – the boys are out there all the time, rain or shine, drawing the same sort of pleasure from it that my brother and I did as kids. It warms all our hearts to see children out there, especially Mum whose sitting room overlooks the garden. We hope to have some funds left over from the sale of our house to buy them a climbing frame for the bottom of the garden.

1 comment:

Steph said...

(((Hugs))) Do not be hard on yourself. You are continuing to mother, teach and love through one of the saddest parts of your life, and doing beautifully. I think of you often. S